Dear Fellow Conservative Voter and Thinker:
The following is a ready-reference glossary that all conservatives should keep handy as a way of dealing with all the obfuscation that the left will attempt to propagate during this election season.
The list of terms is not in recognized alphabetical order, but we all know that alphabetical order is merely a matter of opinion, which liberals try to enforce as fact, while those of us not bogged down in the notion of “objective reality” do not feel constrained to such nonsense.
Use your glossary wisely, and feel free to forward it to fellow conservatives, but take care that it not fall into the wrong, which is to say left (both opposites of “right”), hands.
Activist judge – any member of the federal bench who strikes down an ultraconservative law or upholds a law favored by liberals
Liberal – a Republican who speaks out against Christian theocracy in the U.S.
Much too liberal – a Republican or independent who speaks out against Christian theocracy in the U.S. and doesn’t favor eliminating the estate tax
Communist – a Democrat, or an independent who generally votes for Democratic candidates
Terrorist sympathizer – anyone, but usually a Democrat, who thinks that preserving the Constitution is more important to the nation’s survival than giving George W. Bush and his cabinet unfettered power to “fight terrorism”
America hater – anyone who disagrees with the philopsophy, “We’re right, they’re wrong, and we should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert the rest of them to Christianity!”
Holy Bible – the word of God, as given directly to man by God; the absolute truth about everything, in spite of its many different versions, translations and inherent contradictions; the irrefutable word of God, as long as it is interpreted by televangelists or fundamentalist Christian politicians, and with certain inconvenient exceptions
“Love thy neighbor” and “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” – examples of inconvenient exceptions to the definition of the Holy Bible as the absolute truth about everything and the irrefutable word of God
Heretic – a Catholic who votes for a pro-choice candidate
Anti-Christ – a Catholic who runs as a pro-choice candidate
Allies – Catholics, when we need them
Usurpers – Catholics, when we don’t need them
Big Tent Philosophy – the idea that the Republican party is open to all Americans of any race, creed or ideology, as long as they agree that the country should be run by, and that all laws should be made by, white, Christian men
Illegal immigrants – (non-election year definition): inexpensive agricultural and custodial labor
(election year definition): the underlying cause of all economic, social, educational, governmental and criminal crises the country faces or has ever faced
Minutemen – (definition prior to 2001): the gainfully employed civilians who, when the Continental Army called upon them during the fight for independence against the British monarchy, were ready to form a militia and do combat at a moment’s notice
(definition since 2001): the unemployed civilians who, despite the fact that no one has called upon them for anything, are ready to sit in lawn chairs 12 hours a day and call the INS on their cell phones at a moment’s notice
War on Drugs – prior to 2001, our method of spending billions of tax dollars with nothing to show for it
War on Terror – since 2001, our method of spending billions of tax dollars with nothing to show for it
Tax-and-spend – how to describe Democrats who want to waste our hard-earned tax dollars on giving all Americans a good education and access to adequate health care
Patriotic – how to describe Republicans who wisely want to spend our hard-earned tax dollars invading and occupying Iraq in order protect America against terrorists from Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia
Human life – American fertilized eggs and American stem cells that will eventually be discarded
Collateral damage – fully developed Iraqi civilians killed by ammunition meant to kill insurgents
Sanctity of marriage – phrase with no actual meaning, but good for “family values” sound bites, and a convenient anagram for “Gays mar fit creation.”
Liberal media – American media organizations that don’t employ Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Joe Scarborough, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, Bay Buchanan, Michael Savage, Laura Ingraham, William Kristol, Grover Norquist, Neil Cavuto, Bernard Goldberg, John Stossel, Laura Schlesinger, Tucker Carlson, Fred Barnes, Hugh Hewitt, Michelle Malkin, Mary Matalin, Dick Morris, Brit Hume, John Gibson, Bill Hemmer, Armstrong Williams, Michael Medved, David Horowitz, Dennis Prager, Robert Novak, Karen Czarnecki, David Frum, Tony Snow, George Will, Andrew Sullivan, Larry Kudlow, Mike Gallagher, Kate O’Beirne, Blanquita Cullum, Cliff Kincaid,….
Sex – 1) an act engaged in by two people, a man and a woman, for the purposes of reproduction, thereby propagating the human species, and for no other reason; 2) an immoral, character-disintergrating sin when committed by two consenting adults when one of them happens to be a Democratic politician; 3) a forgivable indiscretion when committed by a Catholic priest or a conservative Republican politician with underage boys.
Accountability – 1) condition antithetical to Democrats’ existence, in spite of the fact that everything that is wrong with this country is their fault; 2) condition demonstrated by Republicans leaders with the following statements: “I take full responsibility for that. Now let’s move on and talk about something important, like terrorists and why they’re going to kill your children if you don’t re-elect me and my conservative colleagues!”
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